


First Times

by kuonji



Category: Stargate Atlantis
Genre: Character Study, Gen, POV Second Person
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-03-29
Updated: 2012-03-29
Packaged: 2017-11-02 18:08:32
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,074
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/371860
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kuonji/pseuds/kuonji
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>
  <i>Names aren't a big deal.  All they are, are tags for people.</i>
</p>
            </blockquote>





	First Times

**Author's Note:**

> Alternative Links:  
> <http://kuonji14.livejournal.com/684.html>

The first time, you call her Dr. Weir. She is delighted to meet you and happy to welcome you to the team, but under the professional well-wishing, you sense her very genuine excitement.

She has never met anyone with such a natural ability for the Gene before (clearly capitalized by her tone and reverant expression). Even better, you are Air Force. You don't know what this means to her yet, if anything, but you can see that she works closely with General O'Neill, who is someone you have respect for, who respects you back even when you're several tiers down and have a record for not following orders.

So you give her some tentative credit until she begins to earn it for herself. She's nothing like the other political sharks you've met.

She's... fun. 

***

The first time, you call him Hey, You, but you graduate this to Dr. McKay when it becomes clear that a person being rude to him is not unusual enough to get his attention.

You start calling him just McKay before you even step through the Gate. This is because you're not much for titles and he's not in your chain of command so no one can enforce anything. Oddly enough, he seems to appreciate this. He's the sort of guy who likes brevity when it's not something to do with science: Don't spend too much time on the crap. You can understand that.

He's an okay guy, and you mostly ignore him until he starts to gain your trust. He's actually nothing like the nerds you knew in school.

He's... tough.

***

***

Names aren't a big deal. All they are, are tags for people. _Auerbach_ and _Gangadharan_ and _Mita_ are equal to you; they don't need to call themselves _Arbuck_ , _Gandhi_ , and _Mitch_ on your watch.

And when a man's down in a bad situation, you don't care that his parents' name is something you can't even pronounce without practice; you just hold on to him -- with your good arm or with your voice on a static-bombed radio. Then, later, you sit in your room and you repeat the syllables over and over until you can say it without falter.

_Mr. and Mrs. Auerbach/Gangadharan/Mita, I am sorry to inform you--_

***

Names mean something to her, though. She attends to nuance and words like you do to your physio and ammo. She can call a person 'sir' or 'mister' and really seem to mean it, the way you have rarely been able to. She remembers the name of every single one of the 251 people from over a dozen countries in the city, and all of the Athosians' as well.

When you can pry her away from work, you take her, not out but in. You share every secret you can tease out of the city that she loves, and you are thrilled when she says, "Put me through to _Astronomy_ / _Geology_ / _Medical_!" or sometimes even, "Put me on city-wide!" and you hear her ecstatic but controlled announcement of the discoveries. She beams at her people when they arrive, greeting each of their wondering faces, her pride in them palpable.

In the end, you both know that it isn't the names that matter to her, either.

***

Names mean absolutely nothing to him. He doesn't even remember the names of some of the people he works the most closely with. He is arrogant and abusive, and you begin to think that everyone is interchangeable to him -- until someone gets hurt for the first time.

When someone is lost, he tries not to think about it, pushing it away as part of the unclean 'crap'. But you know that he stands still in the hallway days after the debriefings and he shudders inside. You know this because he can't ever hide his feelings, doesn't even try, and you see on his face what you used to feel when you were still new at this.

You take him out flying and neither of you talk. You know that both of you go over the faces in your minds, because names don't matter to either of you but people do.

***

***

The first time you call her Elizabeth, it's a mistake. You are upset and she is stubborn and you say, "Elizabeth, my men will not--" and then stumble for a fraction of a second before you complete the sentence. You are more surprised by your hesitance than by your slip. You hadn't realized until that moment how important it has become to you that she be respected.

She narrows her expressively blank diplomat's eyes at you -- and she still does not give in. But the next day she begins, occasionally, to call you _John_.

***

The first time you call him Rodney (that you can remember), he is dying. More accurately, he contracts a vicious virus, exacerbated by real or imaginary allergies. He has been commited to bed rest with an IV for fluids and he insists to everyone around him that if he dies he will be irreplaceable. When you visit your off-world team's scientist with planet reports you think he should know about, you find that he has alienated every single nurse on duty.

"Rodney, will you shut up." It comes out without much thought as you throw a just-out-of-reach ice pack at him. He snarls at you but puts the ice pack to his head with a sigh. He doesn't interrupt when you read the reports to him, and he voices soft replies when you casually ask for his expertise.

After that, his rounded accent begins to make _Major_ sound more personalized than any name you have ever gone under.

***

Major... _Sheppard_... _John_... Me.

***

***

Sometimes at odd moments, you think about all the people you are here to protect. This includes the civilians, whom it is your mission to keep from harm, and also the military, whom it is your responsibility to keep alive.

Sometimes you think about the people who caused you to break your vows.

It's pointless but it's also necessary. You are not resentful.

***

***

She rarely calls you by rank anymore, and he still only rarely refers to you by name. Yet you can hear her trust and you can see his friendship. You can feel all the other things that you can't articulate that matter to you.

For the first time, you think with a weird sort of cool, you truly know what to call yourself.

  
END. 

**Author's Note:**

> If you enjoyed this story, you might try these:  
> [Marks](http://archiveofourown.org/works/7447309), by kuonji  
> [By Any Other Name](http://greyias.livejournal.com/5764.html), by Grey Lupous


End file.
